Just what I needed.

These last few weeks haven't been easy for me, in the motherhood department. Having kids is way harder than I expected. Then having the added gift of autism, always there, just hanging out with us, makes it so overwhelming sometimes. The schedule, the craziness, the samesamesame. It gets to you in ways you didn't think possible. So today as I was leaving school, after picking up Baduka, and was trying to figure out how to fill the hours til dinner, I was feeling kinda eh about it. Then I pulled into the driveway, realized Dizzy and the New Kid were sleeping, decided to use this time wisely, and drove towards the highway. I stopped at a friend's real quick to drop something off, then headed to Nana. She had some cups for Baduka that I wanted to grab.

I talked with my mom out on the porch for a few, while the boys were in the car, and then said goodbye.

As we were pulling away, all 3 said, "Nana's house! Bounce!" I stopped the car, and asked, "you wanna go jump on the trampoline?" All 3 said, "Yes!" So how could I say no?

What happened next was exactly what I needed. A half hour of giggling, tickling, rolling, and "bounca-bounca-bounca!" These boys are the highlight of my every day. They drive me crazy, make me cry, make themselves cry, and just cause mayhem and destruction, everywhere they go. But for 30 minutes today, we forgot all about that, and laughed and had fun together. Baduka kept asking me to, "STAND UP!" so he could knock me over, laughing the whole time. The New Kid would come running/wobbling/bouncing to ask, "mom! Youuu OH KAY?!" Then laugh as I bounced back up. Dizzy was happy to run in circles and be tackled by Baduka. He absolutely loves the attention Baduka sometimes gives him.

It really was such a great way to reset myself, I couldn't help but get teary eyed on the way home. These boys aren't going to be babies forever, but they will always be my bests.

stress relief, coming soon.

It's been a while... let's catch up, blahblahblah, crazy, blahblahblah, tired, blahblahblah, messy, blahblahblah, somebody pooped. There you go.

One of the things in the blahblahblahs though, was my panic attack, because Baduka got out, and we still have no idea how. I know people don't really understand the fear, and probably, hopefully never have to, of having no idea for 3 minutes where your non verbal, autistic child is. And I hope you never do. It's terrifying. He was luckily found safe in the car, eating a pop tart. But still, no idea how. And that 3 minutes took about 37 years off my life. Thankfully I am working on living forever...

But the scare really pushed us to get him a GPS bracelet. We got the LoJack Safety Net one, and in 7-10 business days, Baduka will be like a human car. We're thinking of calling him Buick.

The bracelet will be worn 24/7, bathing, swimming, sleeping. We got him a watch to practice having something on at all times, and he put it on no problems, slept all night with it, and immediately showed his teacher at school this morning. My stress level has dropped, slightly. When he's got the bracelet on, maybe I'll be able to pee during the day without hovering, one ear towards the door. I know it won't prevent him from being crazy, and leaving, but knowing 1 phone call, and a signal is activated, takes a HUGE weight off my shoulders.

This also makes me want to remind you, ask you, BEG you, if you ever see a child or even an older kid by themselves, and something seems off, wait, watch, ask where their adult is. Better safe than sorry. I am terrified that someday Baduka will get out, and be alone, and no one will stop to help.

Not my normal hilarity, but it's not all fun and games here, and this is important.

Dizzy!

It's been a bit since the last post, because it's summer, and most of my energy must be spent making sure no one's bleeding. I'm doing an okay job. But I realized last night, that during this last few weeks, just how much Dizzy has to say, and I'd really like to tell you all about it.

* He knows all his colors, and let's you know every time he sees something colorful.

* He knows the ABC's and if you start singing, he'll finish.

* He can count to 10.

* He knows animals and their sounds. And yesterday at the zoo, he called all their names, made their sounds, and took their "pitcha! Cheeeeeese!"

* He has learned how to be a tattle-taler, and I'm kinda okay with it. A lot of things around here have been mysteries.

* He knows his body parts. Hearing him say them all from the top of his "Heeeeaaaaadddd!" to his "ButtButtButt!" every tubby time is kinda the reason I like tubby time so much lately.

Dizzy has taken a long time to find his voice in this house. He's the middle kid, with an older autistic brother, who hasn't really shown him what to do, and a little brother who drives everyone crazy. Hearing him speak, and answer questions, and just be the amazing little man that he is, is undeniably wonderful.

Letting things happen.

When you have a kid with autism, every day is an emotional roller coaster. I mean, I guess regular kids drive their parents all the emotions too, but it feels different with Baduka, than what I see with other parents, siblings, and friends. Today, for example, they have been awake for an hour and a half. They have already eaten together, pushed each other, cried, made a mess, played on the porch, and are now watching a movie. They've fought, and made up in their own ways. I have broken up fights, and smiled at them sitting close, and playing together.

But Baduka has been all over the place. He's been happy, sad, mad. Trying to figure out why for each is the frustrating part for me. Not immediately knowing what he wants, and what he wants to do next, makes for very long days of chasing him.

Our kitchen is small, with a little, I call it an alleyway, spot where our sink, and counter are. Its almost like it should be a skinny walk-in closet, with a window at the end, but someone decided to shove a sink in it instead, and take the door off. Above the sink has cabinets. The cabinets have no doors. People, if you are ever thinking open cabinets are a good idea, I am telling you, IT ISN'T. You can thank me later. Then on the wall opposite the cabinets, we put up shelves, for our cereal, and pretzel stash. Besides the stove, this is probably the most dangerous part of the kitchen, because it's where all our glass, and sharp objects are. Baduka has been climbing the wall with the window, up onto the counter where the dish drainer is, for weeks.

Before he was doing it to reach snacks. But the last few days, he's been touching the glasses. Paying close attention to the 2 wine glasses I haven't broken yet. We kept taking him down, but he hasn't stopped trying.

This morning, after all the other things he's been emotional about, I decided to not stop him, but help him. I took the two glasses, and him down, and said, "Bud, what do you want to do?" He took both glasses, and made the motion of he was going to smash them together. So I said, "you want to cheers?" He smiled. I said, "okay I'm going to show you how gently... Gently. Like this." We clinked glasses a few times, said, "Cheers!" Then I said, "one more time, okay? Then we'll put them back, and go do something else." We clinked one more time, he handed me his glass, and went outside.

I have started to come to realize, that changing HIM isn't helping US. He has his wants, and needs, and right now the ability to voice it isn't there. But if we just let him follow through on the things he is so focused on, he knows what he's thinking matters, too. I may not be a mind reader yet, but I know he's happy knowing I care enough to try to read his.

mama never told me there'd be days like this...

Dizzy had a doctor's appointment today after school. It was at 4:30, which is a weird traffic judgment time for me. So we left immediately. And got there 2 hours early. Even with a detour down the long way, so I could get Starbucks. By that time Dizzy was car napping, until that moment when he woke up screaming his face off, and made the New Kid cry too. Then that turned into the New Kid, and Baduka yelling, "Nonuts!!" and Dizzy was just yelling. So, since we had an hour and a half, we left the parking lot, and went to Dunks. I love giving all of Daddy's money to coffee establishments.

Anyway, they were happily covering themselves in glazed donut, while I sat there wondering how much longer I could hold my bladder, and how early was too early to go inside. Apparently 45 minutes early is too early, but I almost peed my pants.

Inside, they were good in the wagon, for about 15 minutes. But the stupid train was broken, and they wanted to watch the fish tank. Fast forward about 14 seconds, and I was practically tackling them all back into the wagon, because no one wanted to watch the fish. They wanted to swim with them. For real, doctor's waiting rooms should be made of bouncy house, and ball pit.

Then we finally got called in to the room. They promptly screamed their faces off. Well, besides Baduka, but he had a magazine, so he was reading. It was so bad, that by the time the doctor came in, I was sweating, Dizzy was screaming for his pants, the New Kid was trying to escape, and we had to yell just to be heard.

Blahblahblah, doctor stuff, blahblahblah.

The nurse came in to give Dizzy his shot, and he just pointed at the New Kid to take it for him, and sobbed. Seriously, pediatricians, and their nurses, have hearts of stone. How could they handle that all day long?! Dizzy was so upset he wouldn't take the band aid, but when the nurse left he slapped a Jake and the Neverland Pirate sticker on his needle hole. He also cried the whole way home about his, "booboo!"

We made it home in one piece, where Baduka climbed the beer fridge, and handed out freezepops, the New Kid got naked, and Dizzy sat on the porch sulking.

Oh, and I dropped an entire bin of Legos on the floor. It wasn't that bad, they mixed in nicely with the box of buttons that broke their fall.

Bad days.

Some days Baduka gets out of school emotional. I never really know what it's from either. Maybe something happened, maybe he doesn't feel good. He doesn't have the ability yet to tell me, and it's one of the harder things to accept with his autism.

Today was one of those days.

His teacher didn't mention a bad day, or anything happening, so there isn't any clue as to why he cried the whole way home, while repeating, "are you sure you want to quit?" I got him to calm down a little by telling him to go in and pick a freezepop color. It helped, but he was still a little upset.

I asked if he wanted to watch The Blue Umbrella from the Monsters University extras again. He smiled his first smile since we got home. Dizzy and the New Kid are pretty much over The Blue Umbrella, so I didn't have high hopes for this going well. He played it a few times, then prompted me to select the setup screen. All three are now happily on the couch, with their blankies and milk, watching Monsters University, with the subtitles and director's commentary on. No one is fighting. Dizzy even sat closer to Baduka, the way they like to sometimes.

Days like this I am so thankful I had two more maniacs. Sure, they fight constantly. And they think bodyslams are better than hugs. Goodness knows they hate sharing, anything, ever. But for Baduka to have two brothers by his side is something I know he will appreciate someday. They know him, they "get" him, they love him. And for that I will never be able to thank them enough.

Don't do this. Thanks.

The other day at the playground, while I was standing guard at the gate, because the New Kid likes to full steam ahead his way through it, where he stops laughing hysterically at the sidewalk, a grandmother told me that Baduka had came to her, and said, "I want monkey bars, please!" He held his arms up, and smiled at her one of his best smiles. He has just recently figured out the joy of the monkey bars, and obviously doesn't care who he asks for help. I apologized, because he grabbed her hand and all that. It then turned into a conversation about him being autistic. She had lots of questions, and seemed truly interested, but something she said hit me weird, and I can't stop thinking about it.

She said, "it's good that he didn't get the severe kind, you know? He doesn't seem too afflicted. He's very social."

Like I said, she was nice, and old, and I didn't know how to say that she had no idea what life with him is like. So I didn't. I just answered her questions about school, and therapy, and hoped she would leave soon.

Because yes, he's social, but that means he'll ask any stranger at the park for help. He will also sit on random laps, and try playing with your phone. It's terrifying.

We were at the park, and usually only go to the park, because we have run out of every other thing to do that interests him. We have yet to figure out his favorite thing, besides the Nabi, which he broke by smacking it across the room, not 15 minutes before this park trip, because I didn't give him enough time to prepare for a park trip.

So days like today, no school, but with ABA later in the day, we have had nothing to keep him happy. My not too afflicted son has been up, down, around, and crazy since 7:30 this morning. We've finally had a bit of quiet while watching the Pixar short The Blue Umbrella on repeat, at least 13 times in an hour. Poor Dizzy keeps turning the tv off, and he finally on his own came to the kitchen to play PlayDoh, but Baduka followed him, stole the PlayDoh, licked it, and left Dizzy crying.

These are the kinds of days autism gives him. Restless. He can't answer what he wants to do, so he searches for it himself. It's exhausting.

I guess the point of all this, and if you got this far, is unless you live it, don't be that grandmother at the park. Ask questions if you want to know, but don't say it's probably not that bad. Because it makes us hate you.