a day at the park

This morning after hours of playing, and wrestling, and throwing, and diapers, and waffles for breakfast, the best boys asked for "pahk pleazz!" "Ya, ah play-GROUND!" "in dah waggin'!" How do you say no? It's beautiful out, so I got them dressed, Baduka grabbed a lion puppet, and off we went.

When we got there, a little boy and his dad were the only two at the park. I love times like that. The maniacs get to run, and do whatever they want, and I don't have to worry about them breaking a stranger's baby with their not great social/play skills.

This lasted about ten minutes before I heard the gate squeal open, and a daycare poured in. I immediately went into "let's leave" mode. The boys weren't having it. I can't blame them, we hadn't even been there long enough for them to break a sweat. So I stood on guard and let them play.

I am so glad I did.

Many times I worry, that with all the fighting and wrestling and general insanity they create for each other at home, that they don't really like each other in real life. Then times like today happen, and I catch myself smiling that stupid kind of smile, that you couldn't make go away if you tried.

Baduka, Dizzy, and The New Kid ran around, and through, and over, and under the other kids. They showed that they may not play like them, but they waited their turns, and didn't cause any bloodshed. No pushing or fighting.

The truly best part was that they looked out for each other. They would separate, and return to each other. The New Kid would come to me and ask where one of the others were. Then run off giggling and smiling to them. They held hands, and hugged. Baduka helped pick Dizzy up when he fell, and kissed his head. They all took turns pushing the lion puppet in the baby swing. Laughing together as they pushed.

And in those moments, as I stood watching my best boys playing in the middle of a noisy daycare park trip, I smiled and thought to myself, that they may not have the same set of social skills, and they may not play like the other kids, but they are forming a friendship that lasts well beyond waggin' rides to the pahk for the play-GROUND.

I really can't ask for anything more perfect than three lifelong best friends, now can I?

changes

Since Baduka was about 18 months old, we've had someone come to our house every week for early intervention, and then ABA services. When we first started I LOVED our guy and girl. (Seriously.) We still have his picture on our wall and I'm facebook friends with her. 

But theeeen... We got a few for ABA, when he got diagnosed. And I sat trying to prevent my head from exploding. I could go on, and on, and on about my extreme dislike for the company we had, but I won't. When he turned three and aged out, I gladly took a break, since he was then enrolled in pre-k. I was guilted back by his doctors. We did go with another company, and while I liked them as people, it really helped me realize how much I don't like ABA.

Part of my dislike for in home services is the complete disruption to our real life. Baduka is separated, from me and his brothers, by a hallway and a closed door. Doesn't seem like that big of a deal, I guess. But for hours a day, we're trapped. The other two don't get to come first. They don't get what they want. I don't either. I don't get to be the mom I want to be. Not many chances to paint at the kitchen table, when the kitchen table is being used for therapy. And when you aren't sure you even agree with it? It makes for some pretty miserable afternoons. 

I've read a little bit about how autistic adults hated their therapy sessions. How it made them feel like they aren't good enough, with their twirling, and flapping, and screeches. Using ABA to train it out of them. It doesn't make the feelings that cause the behavior to go away. Just makes them ashamed for feeling the need to do it. So they hide it and new behaviors take their place anyway. I never want Baduka to grow up feeling like that, so I try to make sure a lot of his programs are not based on his autistic behaviors, and more towards learning something. Which I admit, don't give them a lot to work with. And I listen in on things that make little sense to me.

This is also happening while Dizzy and the New Kid are trying to be 2 and 3. It's hard. I don't have it all together most sessions. I've said and yelled and ughed through many sessions and later feel so awful. It's not their fault. They don't have much freedom. They make giant messes. I end up looking like a lunatic. It's been more stressful than the autism some days. 

Maybe you wonder why we don't find something else? Insurance. I love how they make so many decisions for people, and they don't have any idea what kind of life they create with them. But anyway.

I started to realize there needs to be a change around here. Baduka has had the spotlight for 5 years. The other two need a chance to get what they want. Especially since they know how to ask for things. Things that would benefit all three of them anyway. They ask for trampoline bounces at Nana's, and walks in the wagon to get donuts. So last week, I decided to quit ABA. I already notice a difference. Baduka is playing more. And communicating a bit more. It's kind of amazing, even if it's just baby steps. 

Who knows where our trip down Autism St will lead us, but saying goodbye today to our therapists was so freeing. Maybe we'll see them again, but I am not sad to see them go. 

I am definitely not sad to try being the mom I always wanted to be either. I think we'll make marshmallows today.