But theeeen... We got a few for ABA, when he got diagnosed. And I sat trying to prevent my head from exploding. I could go on, and on, and on about my extreme dislike for the company we had, but I won't. When he turned three and aged out, I gladly took a break, since he was then enrolled in pre-k. I was guilted back by his doctors. We did go with another company, and while I liked them as people, it really helped me realize how much I don't like ABA.
Part of my dislike for in home services is the complete disruption to our real life. Baduka is separated, from me and his brothers, by a hallway and a closed door. Doesn't seem like that big of a deal, I guess. But for hours a day, we're trapped. The other two don't get to come first. They don't get what they want. I don't either. I don't get to be the mom I want to be. Not many chances to paint at the kitchen table, when the kitchen table is being used for therapy. And when you aren't sure you even agree with it? It makes for some pretty miserable afternoons.
I've read a little bit about how autistic adults hated their therapy sessions. How it made them feel like they aren't good enough, with their twirling, and flapping, and screeches. Using ABA to train it out of them. It doesn't make the feelings that cause the behavior to go away. Just makes them ashamed for feeling the need to do it. So they hide it and new behaviors take their place anyway. I never want Baduka to grow up feeling like that, so I try to make sure a lot of his programs are not based on his autistic behaviors, and more towards learning something. Which I admit, don't give them a lot to work with. And I listen in on things that make little sense to me.
This is also happening while Dizzy and the New Kid are trying to be 2 and 3. It's hard. I don't have it all together most sessions. I've said and yelled and ughed through many sessions and later feel so awful. It's not their fault. They don't have much freedom. They make giant messes. I end up looking like a lunatic. It's been more stressful than the autism some days.
Maybe you wonder why we don't find something else? Insurance. I love how they make so many decisions for people, and they don't have any idea what kind of life they create with them. But anyway.
I started to realize there needs to be a change around here. Baduka has had the spotlight for 5 years. The other two need a chance to get what they want. Especially since they know how to ask for things. Things that would benefit all three of them anyway. They ask for trampoline bounces at Nana's, and walks in the wagon to get donuts. So last week, I decided to quit ABA. I already notice a difference. Baduka is playing more. And communicating a bit more. It's kind of amazing, even if it's just baby steps.
Who knows where our trip down Autism St will lead us, but saying goodbye today to our therapists was so freeing. Maybe we'll see them again, but I am not sad to see them go.
I am definitely not sad to try being the mom I always wanted to be either. I think we'll make marshmallows today.
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