a letter to Colleen

Dear Colleen,

How are you? I can't believe it's been a year, since that horrible phone call. I thought I had been preparing myself for it, but I was totally wrong. I still feel the dread in my stomach, that I felt when I saw your name come up on my phone that night. I guess nothing could have prepared me for the random ways you sneak into my head. And I find myself crying.

You show up a lot when I'm washing the dishes. Memories always hit me hardest there. Maybe it's because it's the one time of day where I am not being pulled in 3 crazy directions. I miss you so much. If I had known when we were younger that I would be writing something like this right now, I would have never been late. I swear.

I miss having you to text about TV shows. I cry at the end of every Parenthood, and not for the obvious reason of Parenthood makes everyone cry, but because I can't text you about Jasmine and how ridiculous she is. Or what is going on with Joel and Julia?! I also miss you when I can't be like, "are you watching the new show Marry Me?" because it's a great show and I think you'd love it.

I miss having you to share books with. I haven't read too much in the past year, and sometimes I think it's honestly because I miss recommending them to you after. Same goes for the movies. I went once this year, and I cried the whole car ride.

You were such a huge part of my life, in such small ways. It's true when people say, the little things are the important ones. Because I would kill for a text saying "I miss you, Gilmore Girls Night??" or a "Pencil me in for a pedicure??" I would do anything to make the drive to your house and park in front like a crazy person, walk in to a smile and a "Hi Jen!" and a few hours of wine, gossip, and TV either being ignored or watched quietly.

Memories fill my head and I think of you everyday. I miss you everyday. Thank you for coming to me sometimes, to let me know you still think of me. I will always treasure the cake message. It's printed out, and framed with my favorite picture of us at your wedding, and of you, that night we went to Margaritas, and you were wearing the giant ridiculous sombrero. I love you too.

I hope right now, you're wherever you want your Heaven to be today. I hope you stop by on your way there to say hi to people who need you today. I hope you know how much we love you.

Love you always,

Jennifer Anne